When I eat too many processed foods, too much sugar, and too much dairy, my anxiety disorder sneaks back up on me. I have been eating whatever the hell I want since my surgery and it’s starting to take its toll on my mental state.
The other night the Teacher came over for a date and a sleepover. I got kind of weird, for no particular reason. Just felt off, and very insecure. I tried to express some of it to him, and I told him about my complex relationship with food. The next morning, more weirdness. I just felt like crying, and I could not figure out why.
He held me, concerned, as I told him about my introversion. That basically I may not know why I was crying for days, but that if it was important to us I would tell him about it. He sort of chuckled, which made me cry even more because I thought he was making fun of me. He explained that if he chuckled (which he did not realize that he did) it was because he was in awe.
The Teacher is not a super emotional person. He is very cool, and his reason is always much louder than his feelings. He explained that this does not mean that he feels judgemental towards very emotional people, but rather fascinated by them. Then he went on to reassure me that I could always tell him anything about how I feel and he would never scoff at me. “I don’t think there’s something wrong with you just because you feel things more deeply than I do. I understand and respect your feelings.”
The moment he said that I realized that I was crying because I was fighting my own feelings of insecurity and anxiety. I did not want to feel insecure around him, or about him, because I was afraid it would chase him away. I took a breath and gave myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling and was instantly relieved. The tears dried up, and I even laughed a little.
He seemed a bit startled by the sudden change, so I explained that I was so deeply conditioned to control my feelings that I have to remind myself that it’s ok to feel things. My natural inclination is to suppress any feelings that I think might make others uncomfortable, and I have taught myself over the years to NOT do that. But sometimes I forget, and fall into old habits, and not realize it, and my body tries to remind me with frustrated tears.
I thanked him for reminding me that it was OK to feel what I was feeling, in general, and for reassuring me that it was OK to feel what I was feeling in his presence. He said something along the lines of, “You are a complicated woman. I understand that you feel things deeply, and need time to process them… and need to eat a well-balanced diet, apparently.” He does not understand why food affects me thusly, because I sure don’t, but he absolutely accepts that it does. We giggled.
Later in the day, he posted something on social media. “I love that my girlfriend is so in tune with her body and mind. It is fascinating observing her as she processes her emotions. She is amazing.”
The insecurities about myself as a human being who deserves to be loved, that come up in the beginning of every relationship, are melting away so quickly with regard to the Teacher. This man is just as fascinating to me as I evidently am to him. He never reacts the way I fear he will react. He surprises me constantly. I feel more secure every day.
Thankfully, my Star knows the drill. It’s time to clean up our act (food-wise) and he is very supportive and helpful. We made meal plans for the week yesterday, and came home from the grocery store with everything I need to cook good food.
I will be cooking for the Teacher for the very first time on our next date. I am very nervous. He’s a picky eater. It’s always been super important to me that my loved ones really enjoy my food, but he doesn’t like a lot of the foods I use to make the things I am most proud of. I am accepting the possibility that he may not enjoy my cooking, and that is no reflection on me or our relationship. He has assured me that he will at least try anything I cook.
Also, I got backup pasta. He will be fed, dammit.